"I'll give you the answer to that question Mr. Bender next Saturday"
Contributed by: Tabitha
Bender: Remember how you said your parents use you to get back at each other?
Claire Standish: [nods]
Bender: Wouldn't I be OUTSTANDING in that capacity?
Contributed by: Tiffany
Richard Vernon: You're not fooling anyone, Bender. The next screw that falls out will be you.
John Bender: Eat my shorts.
Richard Vernon: What was that?
John Bender: Eat... My... Shorts.
Richard Vernon: You just bought yourself another Saturday.
John Bender: Ooh, I'm crushed.
Richard Vernon: You just bought one more.
John Bender: Well I'm free the Saturday after that. Beyond that, I'm going to have to check my calendar.
Richard Vernon: Good, cause it's going to be filled. We'll keep going. You want another one? Just say the word say it. Instead of going to prison you'll come here. Are you through?
John Bender: No.
Richard Vernon: I'm doing society a favor.
John Bender: So?
Richard Vernon: That's another one right now! I've got you for the rest of your natural born life if you don't watch your step. You want another one?
John Bender: Yes.
Richard Vernon: You got it! You got another one right there! That's another one pal!
Claire Standish: Cut it out!
Richard Vernon: You through?
John Bender: Not even close bud!
Richard Vernon: Good! You got one more right there!
John Bender: You really think I give a sh*t?
Richard Vernon: Another! You through?
John Bender: How many is that?
Brian Johnson: That's seven including when we first came in and you asked Mr. Vernon whether Barry Manilow knew that he raided his closet.
Richard Vernon: Now it's eight. You stay out of this.
Brian Johnson: Excuse me sir, it's seven.
Contributed by: Eric-DoubleYou
Vernon: "...What if your dope was on fire?"
Binder: "impossible sir, its in Johnsons underpants."
Contributed by: Maria
John Bender: PB & J with the crusts cut off. Well, Brian, this is a very nutritious lunch; all the food groups are represented. Did your mom marry Mr. Rogers? Brian: Uh, no, Mr. Johnson. Bender: Ah. Here's my impression of life at Big Bri's house, "Son?" "Yeah, Dad?" "How was your day, pal?" "Great, Dad! How's yours?" "Super! Say, how would like to go fishing this weekend?" "Great, Dad! But I got homework to do." "That's okay, son! You can do it on the boat!" "Gee!" "Dear, isn't our son swell?" "Yes, dear. Isn't life swell?" [kiss, then mimes punching] Andrew: All right, what about your family? Bender: My family? Oh, that's easy. "Stupid, worthless, no good, goddamned, free loading son-of-a-bitch! Retarded, big mouth, know-it-all asshole jerk!" "You forgot ugly, lazy, and disrespectful!" "Shut up, bitch! Go fix me a turkey pot pie!" "What about you, Dad?" "Fuck you!" "No, Dad, what about you?" "Fuck you!" "No, Dad, what about you?!" "Fuck you!" [mimes punching] Brian: Is that for real? Bender: You wanna come over some time? Andrew: That's bullshit. It's all part of your image, I don't believe a word of it. Bender: You don't believe me? Andrew: No. Bender: No? Andrew: Did I stutter? [John approaches Andrew and lifts his sleeve to show a burn on his arm. Claire and Andrew look away afterwards.] Bender: Do you believe this? Huh? It's about the size of a cigar...Do I stutter? You see this is what you get in my house when you spill paint in the garage. See I don't think that I need to sit here with you fuckin' dildos anymore!